I was driving home from work tonight and for some reason I came to this realization that being away from Jillian is getting really hard. Not that it wasn’t hard before, but I’m starting to really miss the feeling I got knowing that I was going home to her.
As most of you know, Jillian and I video gchat almost everyday, and that has really helped with the distance. Being able to see her, whether she’s smiling or we are arguing, is incredibly refreshing. And on the nights where work gets in the way of talking the day never seems like it ended right. I guess that happened when we were together though too. Anyway…
But for some reason when I was driving home I just started to hate the fact that my life has gotten used to her not being around. I’m living at my parent’s house, just like I did before we were married, and I no longer get to kiss her goodnight. It’s almost like I am losing track of our life together, losing what it’s like to be married.
Now, please don’t read this and start calling friends and relatives saying that Frank just wrote on his blog that his marriage with Jillian is on the rocks. It’s not. I just feel that it’s getting past the part where distance makes the heart grow fonder to a point where we are now adapting to live our lives separately, and it sucks.
It makes me want to just say “fuck it” and quit my job and move. Recently I have had apprehensions about willfully joining the ranks of the unemployed to move to one of the worst places in the world, but this feeling tonight makes me not care about any of it. It all comes down to her, it all comes down to us.
I could have the greatest job in the world but if I’m not with her it wouldn’t be worth it. When we got married, when we first started going out actually, we promised each other that we would live abroad. It was a dream of Jillian’s, so it became a dream of mine. Now, I’m no martyr. I love traveling and I cannot wait to have this experience, but in reality I would have never been pushed to do something like this if I would not have met her.
And it’s the fact that she makes me push those boundaries that makes me really appreciate her. She wants me to do the Ironman for Christ’s sakes. “When we get back from Haiti I’ll get a job and I can pay the bills and you can train full-time,” she says. She’s nuts, but if I do it because of her I will never look back and regret what I have accomplished.
I’ve digressed a tad here, so let me just close it with this. I got home tonight to find a letter from my bank. Inside was a pair of renewed credit cards, one for me and the other for Jillian and all I wanted to do was throw them out the window.
I’m sick of not being able to just hand her her card, give her a kiss and take a seat on my side of the couch. We don’t even need to talk, I just want to know she’s there. I don’t want to have to travel thousands of miles to give this stupid card to her. I don’t want to get settled here at my parents house because this isn’t the life I want to live.
An old co-worker of mine who has been helping me a bunch with this has constantly reminded me that no matter how hard it gets, it will make us stronger in the end. And she’s right, that’s life. You can’t run a marathon until you’ve made your muscles so sore from training that you feel like giving up. It’s just hard that we have to get weaker before we get the chance to grow stronger.